I was chatting up a storm with the company security guards this morning on my way into work.. one of the guards.. a newer guy.. probably early 20s, started telling me that he’s probably going to quit next month and go back to his home town of Kaoshung (however you spell that).. he said that he’ll miss this place because the people at work are cool (I just probably havent met all the cool people yet because I dont know who he’s talking about).. I asked him why and he said because the security company (they work for security company, this company contracts with the security company, get it?) is screwed up.. I asked him why (I can carry a mean conversation by just continuing to ask why).. and he said because the owner of the security company is a gambler.. being a gambler, high-stakes at that, he often time gambles away their salaries.. this time, the owner was late paying all the guards.. late by about 5 days.. and he tried to stiff all the guards on their overtime pay (they work 7 days per week, 12 hours a day and make about $18k per year.. most of which, as you may have guessed, is overtime).. he said something like he told his parents or his family and they said to quit and come home.. a few hours later, on my way to 7-11, I saw the guy from this company, that manages the security guards.. the young security guard told him that he may be quitting.. the manager asked why.. afterwards, the manager said, “well, you tell your boss its not right to pay you guys late.. I’ll call your boss and tell him that there’s no reason to pay you guys late, since our company always pays on time.. if he’s making you guys unhappy, I don’t like it”.. I thought that was pretty cool of him.. when the young guard told him thanks.. the manager said that if you told me you had a better job lined up, then I would encourage you to leave.. but since you are happy here and we are happy with your service, I don’t see why you should have to quit because you are not being treated fairly.. then he turned to the other guard, who is a supervisor, and ripped him a new one for not standing up for his guy.. he said something like “you make an extra [$60 USD] per month to be his supervisor but you won’t stand up for him.. give me that [$60 USD] each month and I’ll go kick some ass”.. in my limited Chinese, I told the manager that was really “good” (thats all I know how to say.. “good”.. like if someone said, “how do you like my Ferrari 360 Modena Spyder?” all I could say is, “yeah, I like it.. its.. good”).. its especially cool because the manager guy looks mean and evil.. he rarely smiles and he has a shaved head.. when I hear him talk to the other employees, he’s always cussing or saying something that sounds like cussing.. you just can’t judge a book by its cover, huh? (yeah yeah, overused cliche’, I know.. but it leads into my next paragraph.. ah ha!)

Speaking of book.. I heard in China, you can get counterfeit Harry Potter books.. no big deal, right? China counterfeits everything.. but check it.. there are so far 4 Harry Potter books, right (thats what I was told, I dont follow Potter)? Turns out China has volumes 5 and 6.. HAHAHAH!!!!! thats some serious counterfeiting.. I also heard China has “fake” Mercedes Benzes.. that’s awesome

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At this company, they advocate the use of MSN Messenger for internal communication amongst employees.. so yesterday, while I was taking a break.. I decided to try out Babelfish and send people instant messages in Chinese.. I guess Babelfish isn’t very accurate.. because apparently, some of the things I translated came out weird.. here are a couple..

English: “you smell like feet”
Background: in Chinese, “like” sounds like “elephant”..
Babelfish: “you smell like elephant feet”

English: “you are full of feces” (I originally typed ‘shit’, but Babelfish would not translate it)
Babelfish: “you are enriched with feces”
This one caused my co-worker to laugh so hard, that she stopped breathing for a while and it was freaking me out..

Speaking of translation.. while we were waiting for our van to arrive to shuttle us home.. one of the night security guards was in the lobby.. another ABC (American Born Chinese) co-worker walked up.. I told this guard that she is also ABC.. so he decided to take this opportunity to practice his English.. the following are some excerpts from their dialogue..

ABC: “What time do you work until?”
Guard: “I started after Chinese New Year..”
ABC: “What???”
Guard: “CHINESE..”
ABC: “Chinese????”
Guard: “CHINESE.. LUNAR NEW YEAR..”
At this point, I was about to start crying from holding back the laughter, so I had to step in..
Aric: “He said he started working HERE right after Chinese New Year..”
ABC: [still confused] “Oh, ok..”

ABC: “Where did you learn your English?”
Guard: “My name is Roger”
ABC: “Roger???” (she has an untrained ear for English Taiwan style)
Guard: “Yes, my name is Roger”
ABC: “What????”
Sensing a communication barrier, I again had to step in..
Aric: “He said his name is ROGER..”
ABC: “OH! Roger, your name is Roger?”
Guard: [smiling as if he finally got his message across]“Yes! my name is Roger!”

That was pretty funny.. but its cool he tries to speak English.. most people ’round here don’t even try.. maybe its because they’re afraid if they do try, someone will write about it on the internet, publish it for all to read, and then laugh about it.. you think? nah.. I doubt it too..

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Some co-workers went to a bakery a couple of nights ago.. they found an interesting Valentine’s gift (see below).. I’m just wondering what someone is supposed to say when they are presented with something like this.. “oh yeah! just want I wanted! a chocolate penis.. dark chocolate, at that! my favorite! stand here and watch me devour it!”.. whats more is.. they put a pair of plastic lips at the base of the chocolate penis that says ‘Kiss Me’ on it.. I’ve seen cakes back home with a penis (or breasts) on it, “drawn” with frosting. But an erect, vertical standing, dark chocolate penis is just a little too much.. and just think of the guy who has to buy this monstrosity.. “excuse me, I’d like that cake in the display case.. you know, the one with the big penis on it?”..

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